Problems

I have so many problems.





Just soo many problems.

For the Love of God!

Some of you may know my dear friend Adam who has up and gone to Germany this month with all of his unemployment money. I bust my ass all week for nickels and dimes and he's flyin high in those huge-ass Delta jets on my tax dollars. ffffffffFFFUCK! No sway to my swagger though. This weekend I'm gonna be on a boat and two weekends after that, I'll be running around Las Vegas drunk and naked with Rob, Thrasher, and 4 other wild guys.

The point of this blog is meant as a letter to Adam since my stamp costs are raising so that I can help pay his weekly welfare checks. fffffFFFUUCKK!!

Dear Adam,

You better be boning the hell out of that girl. I mean it for real dude. You flew all the way to Germany to see a girl you've only seen for three days. I can only imagine she's worth it though. It's Germany, the perfect race. Which is even more reason that if you come back home without destroying that poon, I will personally drive down to Atlanta and slap you in the face. Then I will start wailing on your junk cause you obviously don't need it. Don't be a pussy. Make me proud.

Call me "Daddy",

Josh Brown

Confessions

This has been haunting me for some time, but it's about due that I come clean.

Hartley...

One day, I got drunk.

Really really drunk.

Too drunk to drive, thank god for my judgement. I stole some little kid's bike.

I rode it for miles while the alcohol swished too and frow in my belly. Before long, I was a cement truck filled with vodka and burger king, churning and churning. I thought I could make it back to my bathroom, but that wasn't the case. I pulled over to the side of the road and jumped off my training wheel equipped Huffy bike and ran into your house.

You were asleep in your bed snoring your ass off.

I crawled up to the foot of you bed, gripped the bed post, and there, in that moment, 3 feet away from you, I took a massive shit on your bedroom floor.

It was grotesque to say the least.

Rightfully so, you started to wake up from the stench. I acted swiftly and highly under the influence of 6 jager bombs taken earlier that night and struck you in the head with a nearby copy of "Moby Dick" that I let you borrow 3 months earlier.

I then made my way out the window and into the night filled with shame, but relieved from the bowel movement.

Difficult Mornings

Some days... before I go into work... I sit in my car and cry while I mouth the words to Beyonce's "Halo" song.

Some days...

One of those Mornings...

I woke up this morning covered in blood and salt. From the looks of things, I was in the woods somewhere south of Richmond, Virginia. I drank WAAAAYYY too much tequila last night. There's also a good chance, I ordered a three year subscription to "Good Housekeeping" magazine.

FML

My Rap Career is BACK!!

I've been putting in some studio time lately, and by studio, I mean Thrasher's bathroom.
The new album is coming along well. Here's the lyrics to one of my latest creations.

"Romance is My Middle Name"

I gotta hoot and I holla at you on the street
Drivin by on my CCs burnin rubber off my seat
But you don't want what you see here
You say 'Shawty, keep ya distance now, don't come near'

Don't play me like that girl, you know I get what I want
Let pull up to the curb and spit some words at you, cunt.
I'm the king of the road, the ganglord of the chicks
I gots a "fuck you all" shirt and a unimpressive dick

Now me and TI, we go way back,
when I was workin in the coal mines livin in a shack
Me and Doc Dre, yeh we've had some beef,
but that's behind me now, we solid gold like my teeth

And Kanye and me, well that's one thing for real.
Kanye's a dick and the next time I see him, Imma bust him in the rear.
Let's spend one more line on what dick kanye is
I hate that dude. He ain't even worth my piss.

What was I talkin bout again? oh yeah, hey baby girl.
Now I don't wanna be puttin it all out there, but you rock my world.
I see you walkin down the road all alone
Honey Bunny, hop on my bike, let's head back to my place and bone

YEAH! ... That's Right!!! You're a whore of the road!!! Hit me! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh! That's right.

Hope you like it! Watch for the "Look at my Face!" album droppin August 14th!

The Mysterious Letter

Today I recieved an envelope with no return address or stamp.
It just said "To: The Josh" on the front written in fancy cursive.
At first I was suspicious, cause of Anthrax n shit, but then I thought I'm in my yard, I don't care.

Upon opening the envelope, a lot of white powder sprinkled out and I thought, well fuck.
I found one sheet of paper inside and it read something like this.

"Dear Josh,
As you may recall, you once live here, you once partied here, you once loved here.
That's right. This is Atlanta. Maybe you remember me.

There were days when you'd cruise down my roads next to maseratis and astin martins.
There were nights when you'd pee on my bushes near Sutra Lounge.
There were times you'd watch your friends car get towed from a club balcony after telling them not to park there.
And there were times when you'd have to reattached Adam's car door handle after Rob ripped it off.
There were times when you'd drink shitty beer at Hole in the Wall for $4 a pitcher.
There were times when you'd make the most out of a shitty club opening by getting drunk, eating a ton of fries and extreme fist pounding.

But with you gone, there are no times like that.
There are Atlanta hoodrats and strippers running wild without anyone to keep them in line.
There is beer sitting in your friends' refridgerator with no one to drink it.
There are [CENSORED CAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW ABOUT THAT]

Hope to have you back living here soon.

Signed,
Atlanta

P.S. Ted Turner is outside of your window at night."