Problems

I have so many problems.





Just soo many problems.

For the Love of God!

Some of you may know my dear friend Adam who has up and gone to Germany this month with all of his unemployment money. I bust my ass all week for nickels and dimes and he's flyin high in those huge-ass Delta jets on my tax dollars. ffffffffFFFUCK! No sway to my swagger though. This weekend I'm gonna be on a boat and two weekends after that, I'll be running around Las Vegas drunk and naked with Rob, Thrasher, and 4 other wild guys.

The point of this blog is meant as a letter to Adam since my stamp costs are raising so that I can help pay his weekly welfare checks. fffffFFFUUCKK!!

Dear Adam,

You better be boning the hell out of that girl. I mean it for real dude. You flew all the way to Germany to see a girl you've only seen for three days. I can only imagine she's worth it though. It's Germany, the perfect race. Which is even more reason that if you come back home without destroying that poon, I will personally drive down to Atlanta and slap you in the face. Then I will start wailing on your junk cause you obviously don't need it. Don't be a pussy. Make me proud.

Call me "Daddy",

Josh Brown

Confessions

This has been haunting me for some time, but it's about due that I come clean.

Hartley...

One day, I got drunk.

Really really drunk.

Too drunk to drive, thank god for my judgement. I stole some little kid's bike.

I rode it for miles while the alcohol swished too and frow in my belly. Before long, I was a cement truck filled with vodka and burger king, churning and churning. I thought I could make it back to my bathroom, but that wasn't the case. I pulled over to the side of the road and jumped off my training wheel equipped Huffy bike and ran into your house.

You were asleep in your bed snoring your ass off.

I crawled up to the foot of you bed, gripped the bed post, and there, in that moment, 3 feet away from you, I took a massive shit on your bedroom floor.

It was grotesque to say the least.

Rightfully so, you started to wake up from the stench. I acted swiftly and highly under the influence of 6 jager bombs taken earlier that night and struck you in the head with a nearby copy of "Moby Dick" that I let you borrow 3 months earlier.

I then made my way out the window and into the night filled with shame, but relieved from the bowel movement.

Difficult Mornings

Some days... before I go into work... I sit in my car and cry while I mouth the words to Beyonce's "Halo" song.

Some days...

One of those Mornings...

I woke up this morning covered in blood and salt. From the looks of things, I was in the woods somewhere south of Richmond, Virginia. I drank WAAAAYYY too much tequila last night. There's also a good chance, I ordered a three year subscription to "Good Housekeeping" magazine.

FML

My Rap Career is BACK!!

I've been putting in some studio time lately, and by studio, I mean Thrasher's bathroom.
The new album is coming along well. Here's the lyrics to one of my latest creations.

"Romance is My Middle Name"

I gotta hoot and I holla at you on the street
Drivin by on my CCs burnin rubber off my seat
But you don't want what you see here
You say 'Shawty, keep ya distance now, don't come near'

Don't play me like that girl, you know I get what I want
Let pull up to the curb and spit some words at you, cunt.
I'm the king of the road, the ganglord of the chicks
I gots a "fuck you all" shirt and a unimpressive dick

Now me and TI, we go way back,
when I was workin in the coal mines livin in a shack
Me and Doc Dre, yeh we've had some beef,
but that's behind me now, we solid gold like my teeth

And Kanye and me, well that's one thing for real.
Kanye's a dick and the next time I see him, Imma bust him in the rear.
Let's spend one more line on what dick kanye is
I hate that dude. He ain't even worth my piss.

What was I talkin bout again? oh yeah, hey baby girl.
Now I don't wanna be puttin it all out there, but you rock my world.
I see you walkin down the road all alone
Honey Bunny, hop on my bike, let's head back to my place and bone

YEAH! ... That's Right!!! You're a whore of the road!!! Hit me! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh! That's right.

Hope you like it! Watch for the "Look at my Face!" album droppin August 14th!

The Mysterious Letter

Today I recieved an envelope with no return address or stamp.
It just said "To: The Josh" on the front written in fancy cursive.
At first I was suspicious, cause of Anthrax n shit, but then I thought I'm in my yard, I don't care.

Upon opening the envelope, a lot of white powder sprinkled out and I thought, well fuck.
I found one sheet of paper inside and it read something like this.

"Dear Josh,
As you may recall, you once live here, you once partied here, you once loved here.
That's right. This is Atlanta. Maybe you remember me.

There were days when you'd cruise down my roads next to maseratis and astin martins.
There were nights when you'd pee on my bushes near Sutra Lounge.
There were times you'd watch your friends car get towed from a club balcony after telling them not to park there.
And there were times when you'd have to reattached Adam's car door handle after Rob ripped it off.
There were times when you'd drink shitty beer at Hole in the Wall for $4 a pitcher.
There were times when you'd make the most out of a shitty club opening by getting drunk, eating a ton of fries and extreme fist pounding.

But with you gone, there are no times like that.
There are Atlanta hoodrats and strippers running wild without anyone to keep them in line.
There is beer sitting in your friends' refridgerator with no one to drink it.
There are [CENSORED CAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW ABOUT THAT]

Hope to have you back living here soon.

Signed,
Atlanta

P.S. Ted Turner is outside of your window at night."

Damn You, Rob!

Click Picture to Enlarge

I spent hours at Velvet Room dancing with Wendy thanks to Rob's candy ass not cutting in and saving me. I lost 7 lbs that night from sweat alone. Wendy has got some endurance!

The Rock Hand is starting to tingle

My fingers are acting weird. I'm having trouble keeping my middle finger, ring finger and thumb straight. They seem to be attracted to my palm, while all my pointer finger and pink remain extended out.

Is it a disease?

No, it's the ROCK HAND.

Party coming up this weekend! I'm going to be drinking heavily and making horrible decisions on Saturday, and I hope you'll be there with me. But the Rock Hand doesn't stop there. April 25th - Huge party down in the ATL (my one true home). Details to come soon, but you best believe it's going to be a rager cause it's a RockStar party (with a twist) and that can only mean one thing. The RockHand will be in full force.

Just Live Your Life!

It's 3 PM and I'm still in a club from last night, the party never ends! Got my sunglasses on and the music is LOUD! RockStarRaverBoy Baron is in the DJ booth spinnnin hits fresh. He turns the light switch on and off really fast cause I'm too cheap to buy a real strobe light. T.I. and Rihanna are here and I've got an empty bottle of tequila in my hand. Hookers are dancing all around me. better not touch me, hoes, I don't need herpes yet! "Gonna Beeeeee A Shining Staaaaaaaar! Fancy Clooooothessss! Fancy Caaa-aaa-aaarrssssss!" A lot of shit happens to me, but I've got no time to slow down for a second. Life is too short to bitch, too short to hurt, too short to feel the pain. Too short to leave the party. Turn the phone off, there's nothing that you need to hear right now other than the music.

I've Started A Charity

Good news everyone! (in Professor Farnsworth voice - futurama)

I've decided to get into philanthropy and started up a charity. It's called "Penny for the Pennyless".

The goal is to raise $400 by mid-April to fund sending some poor shmuck to Las Vegas for the weekend of his life. That poor shmuck is me and if you have just a hint of what life is like in Franklin, North Carolina, you'll agree I deserve this "scholarship".

If you would like to benefit the cause, please send me your money.
I need this trip! Bright light city gonna set my soul on fire!

I plan to drink hundreds of dollars worth of alcohol for free; rent an exotic car for dirt cheap; probably get a DUI at some point and end up in jail; break out of jail using a paper clip, a rubber band and a can of mountain dew; Steal 3 million dollars from some lawyer who doesn't need it; accidently kill a hooker; drive a motorcycle off the paris hotel eiffel tower with 3 strippers on the back of it; and get a tattoo that says "I (Heart) Monica"

So, look into your hearts and donate today. For just pennies a day, you can change this child's life.

I fought the Law and the Law won

Last night, I dreamt that I was in Disneyworld. Sounds like fun at first, but for some reason, these guys were chasing me. I later figured out that they were cops. I tried out running them, but these guys were in pretty good shape, also they were figments of my dream. I tried hiding in the It's a Small world ride, but they found me and then beat the shit out of me with their billy clubs. Then I tried hiding in the teacups but they found me there too and beat the shit out of me again. Finally, I found the guy who wears the Mickey Mouse costume and knocked him out with a beer bottle- I don't recall where the bottle came from or who the hell drank my beer. I put on the costume and started running for the park exit, but right before I got there, the cops found me again and started beating the shit out of me, still half in the Mickey costume, in front of all these kids. Children were screaming as the police just kept beating and beating me. Then some little dickwad kid kicked me in my face.

I suddenly woke up and found myself laying on the showroom floor covered in tears and shame. I realized Disneyworld was the shop and the cops that were beating me were my co-workers and boss, and the little kid who kicked me in the face was life.

Get ready, Atlanta. I'll be moving back this June!

I Can't Believe It's Not Dignity!

The ATV business is dying. It evenly divides people- some people are bummed out and some people applause. Those people are right to applaud. I work in the ATV business and fuck this place. They have it coming. They can all burn in hell. Burn these stores to the ground and salt the Earth so that nothing else may grow there.

It's very exciting working here because sometimes famous people come in. Can you imagine. One day, I was behind the counter and one of my co-workers came in laughing her ass off, tears streaming down her face. I said "Heather whats so funny?" and she replied, "Oh my god, me and my boyfriend were just at a stop light and I said what's so funny and he said look who's in the car next to us and I looked and it was Fabio!".

I said "So What? That's is a poor story, Heather. I guess you had to be there."

Couple of days go by. Standing there behind the counter. I don't recall what I was doing, hating myself probably. I looked up from the counter - there are these big glass doors at the entrance- and whom is walking through, but Fabio. And I fuckin cracked up. Because...

You are never ready to see Fabio.

Never.

There's no way you can be.

You can wake up that morning and say to yourself "I better be ready because I might see Fabio today. I better prepare myself."

That's when I realized, that's this guy's whole life. Everywhere he goes people just laugh in his face!

"Oh, I think Fabio's going to have fun at the party tonight! Maybe Fabio will make some new friends!"

Hahahahaha!! The very idea of him! He thinks he's a person!

"Oooohh Noooo! Do not laugh at Fabio! Puny human!! Fabio Smash!!"

The Softer Side of Josh

A lot of my posts are conceived, written, and posted in anger, but this one is not. Welcome to the softer side of Josh. I'd like to say a few things to some of the people in my life.

Adam: I always appreciate your shopping tips. I don't know where I would be today without my $400 baby blue reebok shoes made out of soft plastic. Also, thanks for signing me up for that Bloomingdales credit card so I could run up even more debt. I don't know what I would do without an iPod. My rap career will probably take off solely because of that iPod.

Rob: Thanks for convincing me to go to Vegas later this year. When times are tough and I need money, I can always count on you to convince me to empty my wallet on a weekend trip to Vegas. Or better yet to go clubbing on a Monday night and run up a bill of hundreds of dollars at black club and staying at a strip club until they close. If I had kids, they'd be starving, but at least I'd be having fun.

Aaron: Thanks for letting me sleep on egg foam on your living room floor for months right next to the fold out couch. I believe my great posture today is probably thanks to having slept flat on my back for so long with out any padding whatsoever. It was worth every penny of the rent.

Thrasher: You missed my birthday party, you asshole.

Emily: I really value your opinion and like it when you call me out on my BS. Especially when you do it in front of a bunch of hoes I don't know at dinner. It really shows me you care. I enjoy our nice long talks on the street corner in buckhead.

Monica: .... I'll always have you, Monica.

I joke around a lot. But in all reality, you are all good friends. I do enjoy Adam's fashion sense even if he is conning me into yet another credit card. I do enjoy the wild trips Rob plans even though he's a bastard for making me spend money! Aaron was a cool guy to hook me up with a place to stay in Atlanta. Thrasher is a cool guy even though he did miss my brithday party, asshole! Emily, you say it like it is and that's alright in my book. And Monica, I love you.

Scientists have long known

Your head doesn't belong in your ass.

Why then do I see so many people with their head in there? I mean who isn't reading this and thinking "This is me. I should listen. Where did I leave that pry bar?" Take a minute to find whatever it is you're going to use in prying your head out of your ass then continue reading, I'll wait.

Ok now that those of you with some initiative have already taken care of possibly the most important problem in your life you can read on and laugh as I clarify who I'm speaking to.

Co-workers:

If you're a heartless bastard that traded his soul for money you need to pull your head out of your ass. I've got news for you, people are going to party because you're dead, not because we look back fondly on you. No we will party because you're a bastard and we are happy you are in hell.

If you have no self value and you won't stand up for yourself in order to be paid accordingly.
Get you head out of your ass and your shit in gear. Right now you're the ball and life is the bat, once you can see the light of day you'll be able to work towards changing your situation.

Don't presume to be the boss if you can't delegate for shit. You may be the reason we made 11 million last year but your also the reason we did not make 22 million. Wake up.

My desk is not a convention center. I don't care if you hate your job too. Don't come to my desk and make my day worse by your presence. Figure out your own way of entertaining yourself. Now piss off.

Dumb fat bitches that are old and annoying:

Loose some weight, you're not as attractive as you think you are. Especially when you are shit faced drunk. Loose the mouth. I don't care how much money you make, you're still old and ugly. I will never be as ugly or annoying as you. I know it's hard to stop acting like your the shit when that's all you see with your head up your ass. Give your head a good tug and reunite with those of us in the real world. Or die.

Those lacking:

Drive - I know you hate your 10 dollar an hour job and or unemployment. I know how you love reading books and being smart or watching TV and being dumb. Living like this is bullshit. How old are you? What happened to that degree? What happened to that promising career you pissed away? First get someone to help pry your head out of your ass because lord knows you won't be able to do it on your own then grab those boot straps of yours and pull as hard as you can. Do something, be somebody.

Cognizant grasp on reality - I know mommy and daddy sheltered the fuck out of you when you were growing up. I know you're still sucking on their tit for money, wisdom and life lessons. Pop the titty out of your mouth, open your eyes, see the shit, remove your head from your ass and culture yourself mother fucker. Life isn't cheery like you favorite bed time stories as told by mommy. There's a lot of glorious dirt and grit out there that really makes things interesting. At this very moment you don't have a CLUE. So, don't knock it until you try it and don't speak until you know what you're talking about. Either way continue being someone I am only aware of and not someone I have to put up with.

General idiots falling in other categories:

I don't think your ideas are anywhere near as cool as you do. They suck as a matter of fact. Don't try to pawn your bullshit off on me. I'm not buying.

Those living in fear - It's no excuse. You've done so for such a period of time that you're better at making excuses than I am at being patient enough to explain how stupid you are. Take risks and assume the responsibility. It's the only way we grow as people. Pull your head out of your ass, infant.

Josh - You thought moving to NC was a good idea but all you've done is stall any progress you could have possibly made in your life for two years. Way to go. You hate living in NC enough as it is so get your head out of your ass and move already. Smith Powersports isn't the holy grail of motorcycle shops.

Get Cranked!

Crank 2: High Voltage! Crank 2: High Voltage! Crank 2: High Voltage! Crank 2: High Voltage! Crank 2: High Voltage! Crank 2: High Voltage! Crank 2: High Voltage! Crank 2: High Voltage!

This movie defines my life. It's all about fast cars, hot girls, drinking, fighting, shooting guns, beating up people who deserve it, and electrocuting myself. I LOVE MOUNTAIN DEW!

Hey kid outside riding around the pool on your bike. I hate you. You and your little pink bike. That's right, it's a little girl and she almost ran into my Miati yesterday riding recklessly around the parking lot. If I had a mountain dew, I'd jump out the window, steal your bike and ride into the pool screaming ruining the indians' game of volleyball.

Jesus Christ, I have to move out of North Carolina.

Beer Beer Beer Beer

Waynes World Panties Drop! Silver medals hang from my cock. I've got beer in my shower and it tastes like love! Lovvve in my mooouuuth!!! If I was a bathroom engineer, I'd hook my shower up to a keg of vodka.

Music Video

I had a great idea for a music video. I dress up as Vanilla Ice, and dance around the street of Atlanta singing dark rock remix of "Ice Ice Baby". Halfway through the video, I go into the Cheetah and prance around singing my song with the strippers dancing all around me and Adam making it rain around me.

Then one of the strippers asks like a bitch to me, so I pull a chainsaw out of my gigantic vanilla ice pants and the bloodshed begins.

I tear through them all one by one until I realize that they're all zombie strippers. Adam runs off like a pansy. I continue killing the zombie strippers with my chainsaw and memorizing ice ice beats.

In the end, they end up eating off one of my arms, but I kill them all off and watch the sun rise from the roof of the strip club. The music fades out and I say "I'm Beautiful"

The dream is dead

There are people all around the world suffering from diseases. Aids, Ebola, Small Pox, Herpes, Gout... Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth it to stop drinking to stop inflaming my gout. Then I get pissed! 

Swagger Like Me

I've taken a look at my life and decided it's time for a change. That's right. It must be a Thursday. I really feel like I've found my true calling this time though. Forget selling cars, running electrical wire, tech support, and hooking. I'm going to pursue a thug life. That's right. Professional rapper Joshy-JBrizzle.

I've taken it upon myself to start putting my thoughts to paper first here on my blog and now to melodies and beats. This is my first song I've written and when I sing it, I spit hot fire. Like Mario.

"Dear Waitress from that Bar Tonight"

Welcome to the worst day of your life. I'll have a beer.

You haven't met me yet, and trust me it's all down hill from here.

I make it a point to piss off every girl I meet.

And I make it a point to seduce every girl I beat.

Imma punch you in the gut! Punch you in the ear!

And while you scream, I'll yell "Where the hell is my beer?!"

Imma punch you in the throat. Bring out them tears!

And when you think it's all over, Imma take it to the rear!

What's that now? You like my blue eyes?

Well just so you know, these ain't contacts, surprise!

You like my car too. It's fast and sexy, you say?

That's right you like it. And just because it's a Miata doesn't make me gay!

Imma punch you in the ribs, bring you to your knees.

And when you start to cry and plead with me "Pleeease!"

Imma punch you in the face. Twice. Three Times. No, Four!

And after I'm done, you're gonna be my whore.

I hope you enjoyed it. Obviously, it's a joke. I would never punch a girl. And driving a Miata does make me gay.

The Shit Life

Sometimes I feel like running naked into the street and getting hit by a semi truck. As you know I love living in North Carolina. I party every night at the hottest spots in town. I barely get to sleep there's just so much to do! Not to mention there are girls everywhere!

If you haven't caught onto the sarcasm yet, I invite you to run naked into traffic with me. North Carolina sucks. There's nothing to do, no one here my age, and it smells like a hamster cage. Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this world! Then I remember I'll always have Monica.

I'm So Angry!

Sometimes I just want to punch a wall and break every bone in my hand. Or if it's a house that I helped make 2 years ago, I'd probably just punch right through the wall. Don't hire me to do your shitty house construction. There are several more well deserving Mexicans out there who will do the job for a dollar less than me. If you're going to hire me, it better be as a bartender or a surgeon cause no matter what I'm going to be drinking on the job. The alcohol helps to calm my rage.

I find that I'm constant pissed off and everything except when I'm drunk or watching 'Driving Miss Daisy'. For some reason that movie just soothes my disgruntled spirit. Maybe because it's about driving cars. I love cars.